Sharing my thoughts

Today I woke up and I spent some time with God. Every morning I promised myself that my time to get ready and eat breakfast before work I would do in silence. I usually like to listen to the radio while I'm getting ready but after the past few weeks I have decided this would be a good time for me to just sit with my thoughts and talk to God.

The past week and half has been filled with many different emotions. I have been angry, scared, bitter, jealous, had moments of "at least we are healthy", and "I'm perfectly fine with working a second job if it means we stay a float". And last night I had a break down.

I cried, I was angry, I told Dave it's not fair. I have many mixed emotions about the whole layoff and how it happened. I worry that it will take a while to find another job, I worry that we will be living not being able to spend time together or with anyone else because we are working all the time, and I fear our marriage will take a toll and suffer.

We had dinner with my parents last night and sometimes I forget that they are right about certain things in life. As a child, I think we forget that our parents have lived through the same things we as adults are now experiencing. They shared about times they dealt with that were tough for them, how they handled it and how they persevered. They reminded me that this is the "worse" in the "for better or worse" part of vows we took. And honestly, it's not that bad. It's just emotionally and will be physically draining. I know this.

I also trust in my husband as the provider and spiritual leader in our family. Dave has an incredible way of always looking at the good in situations and being positive. He has one of the most giving spirits I have ever met, always wanting to do what he can to help others and truly understands that forgiveness is for yourself and not the other person. He has an amazing outlook at life and I trust him when he tells me it's going to be okay.

It's just a little scary at the moment but I know, and I pray to God that he will take the bitterness I have out of my heart and I know he has to deal with situation. But one of the best things I ever read was about talking to God. I have learned to truly talk to him, not pray to him but have conversations. To tell him my hurts and tell him I'm angry. To talk to him about my feelings and fears and that he can take it and that he likes it when we're honest. He knows our true thoughts and feelings anyway.

I'm not really sure why I shared all this as it is very personal but I just felt the need too. I hope I didn't totally bum out anyone reading this today. But it made me feel better, so sometimes thoughts written out do help to focus one's brain.

I appreciate the calls and prayers so many of you have shared with us. We are very blessed to have friends and family that care for us so much. Thank you!